אנה ה' חטאתי עוויתי פשעתי לפניך ועשיתי כך וכך והרי ניחמתי ובושתי במעשיי ולעולם איני חוזר לדבר זה זהו עיקרו של וידוי.
So clearly every word in this ikaro shel viduy touches upon a central nerve of teshuva. So let's try to zero in specifically on the word boshti. Why is it so critical, so indispensable that a person be able to sincerely say to Hakadosh Baruch Hu that I'm embarrassed at what I did? Again, where the Rambam gets it from we know. The Tosefta says or we say the pesukim in Selichot אלוקי בשתי ונכלמתי להרים פני אליך. But the Rambam is as it were assessing that that's something not just a mitzvah, not just my mitzvah min ha-muvchar but something so vital, so indispensable. So why is busha so indispensable? That a person has to regret it is intuitive. That a person has to resolve not to repeat it is also intuitive. But that a person has to be embarrassed doesn't seem to be as immediately apparent. So lekhora as follows: What characterizes the sense of busha? Let's say, consider the following case. Let's say I walk into an empty room and I didn't tie my shoelaces. I very clumsily trip and I fall flat on my face. Well, let's say the same thing happens and the room is the Beis Medrash is full at the time. So in the first scenario I don't feel any embarrassment. In the second scenario, so then I feel very embarrassed. So busha is a function of other people seeing one's follies, one's mistakes, one's inadequacies. As long as my follies and inadequacies are hidden, so I don't feel embarrassed. But when they're on public display, so then I feel very embarrassed. Every yeitzer hara that we succumb to, so yeitzer haras come in different sizes and shapes and in different colors and flavors. But there is one common denominator to the yeitzer haras which is that if we had an awareness of being in the presence of Hakadosh Baruch Hu, so that would inhibit the yeitzer hara. You can have someone who has this overwhelming yeitzer hara to cheat on a test. But if the proctor stands right in front of him the whole time and stares at him the entire test, it doesn't matter how strong that yeitzer hara to cheat is, he's not going to cheat because he can't get away with it. So it's counterproductive, it's self-destructive to cheat. So the common denominator to whatever yeitzer hara we succumb to is that we were also oblivious to Hakadosh Baruch Hu's presence, because otherwise we wouldn't be chotei. Not talking about a tinok shenishba or those types of extreme cases. So mimaila every teshuva has to involve working on that middah, on being aware of Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Now we understand when a person comes and is misvadeh, he has to be able to say boshti because the boshti is what am I embarrassed about? No one... I'm doing teshuva now for a cheit that I did in private. No one knows about it. So what are we embarrassed about? No, I'm embarrassed before you Hakadosh Baruch Hu. The whole cheit to begin with happened only because I was rachmana litzlan oblivious of your presence and now the teshuva has to be that I have to be able to say boshti that I am sufficiently aware of your presence that I'm embarrassed to have to acknowledge the cheit. And be-emes Rabbeinu Yonah says this whole Torah explicitly in Sha'ar He-rishon, ha-ikar ha-shishi of the ikarei teshuva Rabbeinu Yonah writes is ha-busha, כעניין שנאמר בשתי וגם נכלמתי כי נשאתי חרפת נעורי. והנה החוטא יבוש מאוד לעבור עבירה לפני בני אדם ויכלם אם ירגישו ויכירו בעבירתו.
We all cover our tracks. No one likes to be chotei in public. ואיך לא יבוש מן השם יתברך. So how is it conceivable that we're not inhibited by that sense of busha before Hakadosh Baruch Hu? אין זה כי אם לפי היות השם יתברך רחוק מכליותיו.
It's because we're unaware of rachmana litzlan Hakadosh Baruch Hu's presence. So mimaila the teshuva has to be. He brings from the Sefer HaYirah of Rabbeinu Yonah and he says as follows: ואיך לא יבוש מן השם יתברך. And how can he not be embarrassed before the Ribbono Shel Olam? If a person would do an aveirah in front of his friend, he would be mitbayesh. He would be embarrassed. He would feel terrible. He wouldn't be able to look him in the eye. He would feel such busha. And here Hakadosh Baruch Hu is watching everything. He's watching our thoughts. He's watching our reigashos. He's watching our actions. And we're not mitbayesh? Hakadosh Baruch Hu says: המביטים פניו פנו אלינו ואחוריהם אל היכל השם. You're looking at your friend, but your back is to Me? You're embarrassed from your friend, but you're not embarrassed from Me? How is that possible? He says the only way it's possible is hesech hadaas. Rachmana litzlan, a person is maysiach daas from the presence of Hakadosh Baruch Hu. He says that's why busha is such an essential part of teshuva.