48 hours to Yom Kippur. One can't help but wonder if from the first of Elul until now I haven't properly prepared, I haven't properly positioned myself for Yom Kippur. What can I do in the next not quite 48 hours, and what will I be able to do during those precious 24 hours of Yom Kippur? Chazal give us two models for teshuva. There's a model of teshuva which we can view in the Gemara in Rosh Hashanah, associated with the Gemara in Rosh Hashanah. Reb Yitzchak says ארבעה דברים מקרעין גזר דינו של אדם אלו הן צדקה צעקה שינוי השם שינוי מעשה.
And yesh omrim, the Gemara says af shinui makom. It's lekhora quite clear within Reb Yitzchak and the Rambam spells it out that these are not one-time undertakings. Shinui ma’aseh isn't something which is a quick fix. Certainly shinui makom, which means galus. And in fact, when the Rambam presents this Gemara in perek beis of hilchos teshuva, so he writes מדרכי התשובה להיות השב צועק תמיד לפני השם בשבי תחנונים
and he goes on to paraphrase the rest of these arba’a chamisha devarim. So teshuva is a process. A difficult but siyata d'shmaya eminently doable process, but a difficult, gradual, painstaking process of teshuva. And that's one model of teshuva. But there is another model of teshuva in the famous Gemara in Avodah Zarah when the Gemara tells about Elazar ben Durdaya whose life until the day of his death had been so decadent שלא הניח זונה אחת בעולם שלא בא עליה. פעם אחת שמע שיש זונה אחת בכרכי הים והיתה נוטלת כיס דינרין בשכרה. נטל כיס דינרין והלך.
The decadent was pathological. נטל כיס דינרין והלך ועבר עליה שבעה נהרות. בשעת הרגל דבר כשהם הפיחה אמר כשם שהפיחה זו אינה חוזרת למקומה כך אלעזר בן דורדיא אין מקבלין אותו בתשובה.
Somehow or other, that comment which she made made its way through all the layers of cheit, all the layers of tumah which had become encrusted upon Elazar ben Durdaya. The Gemara describes הלך וישב בין שני הרים וגבעות, אמר הרים וגבעות בקשו עלי רחמים. ואמרו לו עד שאנו מבקשים עליך נבקש על עצמנו. אמר שמים וארץ בקשו עלי רחמים, אמרו לו עד שאנו מבקשים עליך נבקש על עצמנו. אמר חמה ולבנה בקשו עלי רחמים, אמרו לו עד שאנו מבקשים עליך נבקש על עצמנו. אמר כוכבים ומזלות בקשו עלי רחמים, אמרו לו עד שאנו מבקשים עליך נבקש על עצמנו. אמר אין הדבר תלוי אלא בי, הניח ראשו בין ברכיו וגעה בבכי.
ad sheyatzah nishmaso. יצתה בת קול ואמרה Elazar ben Durdia מזומן לחיי העולם הבא. The Tosafos says, I believe maybe early in Avodah Zarah, that when you had discussion earlier that when you have מזומן לחיי העולם הבא, it means directly. It means it doesn't need any yissurim, any Gehinnom. So Elazar ben Durdia, this wasn't the gradual, painstaking process of teshuvah, the teshuvah of the ganana deshashna, sudden teshuvah, a thunderbolt teshuvah. Clearly one is not supposed to rely on that. It doesn't mean that one is supposed to be complacent, chas veshalom, in undertaking the process of teshuvah, teshuvah of the ganana deshashna. But it means that a person is never ever misyayeish because we have a capacity for such a teshuvah. So even, even on Erev Tishrei, that a person feels that he hasn't, he hasn't used the almost forty days from Elul to make the proper hachanah, that the process of teshuvah is lagging far, far behind where it should be, we intensify our hachanos that we should prepare ourselves to accomplish as much as we can through the process, but whatever we accomplish through the process makes it a little bit easier to try to experience the second model of teshuvah, the thunderbolt teshuvah, the Elazar ben Durdia teshuvah. But let's try to understand a little bit how this teshuvah happens, what the mechanism of this Elazar ben Durdia, the thunderbolt teshuvah. In Nefesh Hachaim, Rav Chaim Volozhiner explains how teshuvah is effective. And he explains as follows: He says in inyanei nistar, but apparently, clearly Rav Chaim Volozhiner felt that it was something that, as superficial as our understanding of it will be and is, but it was still something that he could put out in the public domain. There were, for our purposes, there are three levels of the soul: there's nefesh, ruach, neshamah in ascending order. Nefesh, ruach, neshamah. Nefesh is the lowest, above it is ruach, above it is neshamah. Nefesh is associated with action, with ma'aseh. When a person acts, when a person moves, so that's associated with his nefesh. Dibbur, speech, is associated with ruach, and machshavah is associated with neshamah. Then Rav Chaim Volozhiner also explains each of these three parts or these three types of soul each have ten aspects, ten kochos, sfiros, and the way to visualize it is as links in a chain. You have ten links in a chain. And here comes the crucial part, says Rav Chaim, that the top, the highest link in the chain of nefesh is intertwined with the lowest in the chain of ruach. When a person is chotei bema'aseh, so that's pogem rachmana litzlan in his nefesh. It can't affect his ruach because the ma'aseh issues forth, it stems from nefesh. If a person is chotei bedibbur, lashon hara, so if a person is chotei rachmana litzlan in such a fashion, that's pogem even in his ruach. Even if a person is chotei with machshava, it can't be pogem in the neshamah, it just sort of distances him from the neshamah. How does teshuvah work? So Nefesh Hachaim explains as follows: maybe a helpful mashal is like this. Sometimes there are certain cells in the body that even if there's been no damage for a certain amount of time, sometimes they can regenerate themselves. The cells can regenerate themselves. And there can be rachmana litzlan a temporary paralysis, but when the cells regenerate, so then the person recovers. They can regenerate. So the way teshuvah works is like this. The Nefesh Hachaim says if a person was chotei bema'aseh, so that can only be pogem and in the most extreme case of chayavei krisos, but it can only affect the nefesh. Now since the top link of nefesh is intertwined with ruach, so that top link of nefesh remains. There's a little bit there which is unaffected, which is not nifgam by the חטא על ידי מעשה. In order to now try to regenerate and thereby bring back and purify the nefesh, a person has to reach the level of ruach with his teshuvah. Hence the requirement of viddui devarim, because since when a person is mitvadeh bepeh, so dibbur is associated with ruach. Ruach is above the nefesh. So by being mitvadeh bepeh, so a person connects with the ruach and then the uppermost part of the nefesh which is still there, which is still intact, through that everything else is regenerated. What happens says the Nefesh Hachaim? What happens rachmana litzlan if a person was pogem in his ruach through a chet of dibbur? וכן אם פגם וקלקל חס ושלום בבחינת הדיבור שלו על ידי עוונות התלויים בדיבור בלשון הרע וכיוצא או שאר עבירות עוונות התלויים בשורשם בבחינת הרוח שנתקלקל בזה בבחינת הרוח.
So the damage now is to the ruach. מצד שהבחינה העליונה של הרוח קשור ודבוק בבחינה התחתונה של הנשמה יוכל הוא להיתקן על ידי בחינת הנשמה.
If a person can only connect with the neshamah, so then his teshuvah will register and from there it will trickle down and will regenerate. יוכל הוא להיתקן על ידי בחינת הנשמה בהרהורי תשובה במחשבת הלב שהוא בחינת הנשמה.
So the idea is that to regenerate, the teshuvah has to reach higher than the chet reached. So if the chet was ma'aseh, so then the teshuvah has to be with, has to involve dibbur, because dibbur reaches higher than ma'aseh. So then it reaches higher and then it trickles down and regenerates. Okay, עד כאן דבריו הקדושים. That’s the fundamental principle. But there is lichora a very simple and obvious question. What’s this distinction between when you do something, so you’re animated by thought? I’m walking because I’m thinking that I want to get from point A to point B. It’s not that maaseh happens devoid of machshava and if I’m talking, so I’m thinking that I want to talk and I’m thinking what words I should choose. So I’m thinking. So what does it mean that well if Rachmana Litzlan a person was chotei al yedei maaseh, then that’s why you have the requirement of tzarich lehitvados bisfasav, so now you’ll have a bechina of dibbur. Okay, fine. But even if you have dibbur or even if you wouldn’t have dibbur, you’d have let’s say he just did a teshuva al yedei maaseh, he stole and he returned the money. There’s a machshava that’s driving, that’s embodied in the maaseh teshuva and when he’s misvade the tefilla, it’s also a machshava. So what is the Nefesh HaChayim saying? So perhaps as follows: There are machshavos and there are machshavos. If I’m thirsty, so I think I want to drink and I go over and take a drink of water. It’s not a terribly profound machshava. It’s a machshava but not terribly profound. If I’m thinking in learning, hopefully the machshava is a little bit deeper. Not all machshavos are of the same depth, of the same quality. There are machshavos and there are machshavos. Sometimes, right, there’s an idiom we use and we mean it and it’s true. Sometimes we say that the thought that we have, the feeling that we experience can’t be expressed. At moments of intense, intense emotion, be it the high of intense joy, intense simcha, be it the low of intense grief or emotional or mental suffering, at moments of intense physical pain, pain that’s so excruciating that we can’t begin to describe it, so there are times when we say that we can’t translate the feeling, the thought into words. Sometimes, sometimes you hear it and it’s being said sincerely because it’s true. Sometimes Rachmana Litzlan you go to a beis avel, especially if it was a very tragic case, and there is nothing to say. There is nothing to say. And that’s what one says, that ein milim befi. What’s the peshat? The peshat is like this. Maaseh, action, when we talk about maaseh, dibbur, machshava, maaseh is the most physical of the three. It’s the most concrete of all. What a person, an action involving his body, the ramach eivarav, the shasa gidav, is the most physical. The more physical something is, the more mugbal, the more metzumtzum, the more limited it is. Dibbur is more spiritual than ma'aseh. It's less, it's somewhat less limited, somewhat less constrained. But machshava is the most spiritual of those three capacities that we have, and because of that, machshava is the least limited, the least constrained. Which is why a person can have a machshava that can't be translated into words. Because dibbur, the kelim of dibbur are more limited than the capacity for machshava. It's tochen that what Rabbeinu Bachya is talking about, is talking about a person can be misvadeh, a person can do ma'aseh teshuvah, a person can be misvadeh sincerely, genuinely, but the machshava doesn't have to be so deep that it's a machshava which can't be expressed. No, I have machshaves teshuvah, I have no problem expressing it. I regret, I feel remorse as well, and busha, but I can say it, I can say exactly what I'm feeling. The machshava, the machshaves teshuvah that I'm having is not so deep that it precludes expression. And then there's a machshaves teshuvah, what Elazar ben Durdaya was doing teshuvah, he was crying, he couldn't talk. He couldn't express it. It's like the person who's in such pain that he doesn't have words to describe it. A person who's radiating such simcha, feeling such simcha, he can't describe it. Elazar ben Durdaya couldn't talk. He was crying, he couldn't talk. That machshava, I guess higher than dibbur. Of course dibbur has to have machshava, and ma'aseh has to have machshava also, right? מחשבה ניכרת מתוך מעשה as well. But it doesn't have, it doesn't have to have such a machshava. Dibbur doesn't have to have such a machshava either. But there is a type of machshava which by definition is above dibbur because machshava is more unlimited and more unrestrained than dibbur. And that machshava reach higher than dibbur ever reaches. Chazal talk about hirhurei aveira and lehavdil hirhurei teshuvah. Gemara in Yoma talks about how הרהורי עבירה קשין מעבירה. Gemara in Kiddushin, המקדש את האשה על מנת שאני צדיק אפילו רשע גמור כל ימיו,
mekudeshes, she'mi safeik mekudeshes שמא הרהר בדעתו ובלבו תשובה. Such a thing as hirhurei aveira, such a thing as hirhurei teshuvah. What does it mean that הרהורי עבירה קשין מעבירה? Different pshat. Rashi says that lehachish besarah, that the toll which the constant preoccupation and obsession of hirhurei aveira takes on a person just physically is greater than the actual aveira. Others suggest pshat that hirhurei aveira spiritually take more of a toll because the actual aveira is of rather short duration. How long is the actual aveira? But hirhurei aveira can be ongoing. What does the Gemara in Kiddushin mean, אפילו רשע גמור כל ימיו? רשע גמור כל ימיו. Jewish John Gotti and he goes over to a woman and says הרי את מקודשת לי על מנת שאני צדיק גמור, shema hirher bitshuvah, shema hirher bitshuvah. Okay, so al pi pshat, the answer is that if ba'asher hu sham at that moment he's really resolute that he's going to change, so much so that yodeia ta'alumot that if he won't regress that he takeh wouldn't sin if only he would remain with that degree of resoluteness that he has at this moment, so that's takeh teshuvah, at least for the moment until he regresses. So chasdei Hashem Hakadosh Baruch Hu accepts that as a teshuvah. But maybe at least al pi aggadah, maybe there's another another understanding: הרהורי עבירה קשים מעבירה. Of Elazar ben Durdia before he was chozer bitshuvah. He was so aduk, so aduk ba'averah, over shiva shiva yamim, I mean it was perilous, perilous, over yamim, they would bensch gomel because mamash, mamash it was sakanas nefashos. You can't begin to describe how aduk he was. He was so aduk that the degree of his being just so totally submerged in cheit, in aveirah could never express itself through ma'aseh, that there isn't enough opportunity to have expressed that degree of being aduk ba'aveirah. It could only be expressed through hirhurim, through those machshavos which are so deep and so profound that they elude embodiment in either action or word. Such is הרהורי עבירה קשים מעבירה, הרהורי עבירה קשים מעבירה. Also of Elazar ben Durdia's teshuvah, Elazar ben Durdia again, not only was oveir aveiros, וזה לעומת זה עשה אלוהים, Elazar ben Durdia understood the necessity of such deep, profound hirhurim, וזה לעומת זה עשה אלוהים, if he had that capacity for cheit, he had that capacity for teshuvah also. So what was his teshuvah? His teshuvah was ga'ah bivchiya, again he couldn't talk. He couldn't talk because his teshuvah was the nefesh hachayah's teshuvah of hirhur teshuvah. It went beyond, it transcended just ma'aseh and dibbur. It was so deep betoch nivchei nishmaso, so deep that all he could do was cry, he couldn't talk. But if a person who's shakuah behirhur aveirah has that capacity, then we all have that capacity for hirhur teshuvah. Leharher in this context, obviously it doesn't mean exclusively this, in every context, but leharher in this context, not just a fleeting thought, not just a superficial thought, but a hirhur teshuvah so deep and so profound that a person can't ever fully express it. And that's the welt's pshat in the cry of the shofar, the same idea, that the tefillah is one which can't be distilled into words. So we all have that capacity, Hashem gave us that capacity, and as late as the afternoon is and as little time. Those who have, every one of us has that ability, every one of us has that capacity. So we have to try our utmost to use the remaining hours before Yom Kippur to position ourselves as much as possible that we should be mehorer as deeply as possible. And the Ribono Shel Olam should help that we should be mehorer, we should be chozer b'teshuva, we should be chozer b'teshuva sheleima, and we should all have a gut vokh.