תומא פתר בנו משמו של ה' הגדול והנורא אשכל לכתוב חידושים בפירוש התורה ואימה וביראה ברתת ובזיע ובמורה מתפלל ומתודה בלב נדכה ונפש שבורה שואל סליחה מבקש מחילה וכפרה בקידה בבריכה ובהשתחויה עד שיתפקקו כל חוליות שבשדרה.
The Ramban writes that it's not necessarily to identify the Ramban and comment on his towering stature. The sense of eimah in yirah that he has in writing his חידושים בפירוש התורה, and clearly what he means is that whatever degree of eimah and yirah Chazal speak of in Masechet Brachot as always informing our Talmud Torah, so that eimah and yirah and mora is magnified when a person is writing חידושים בפירוש התורה. It's interesting the association one has when the Ramban continues and he writes מתפלל ומתודה בלב נדכה ונפש שבורה. The association, although we'll see in a minute it's probably coming from a different place in this context of the Ramban, the association is what the Nefesh HaChayim has in Shaar Dalet. The Nefesh HaChayim says that the context of Talmud Torah is supposed to be a context of yirat Hashem tehora, of yirato kodemet l'chochmato, and that really we should do tshuva every time when we sit down to learn, so it should be prefaced with doing tshuva. The mussar seder should be the beginning of seder, not at the end of seder lakhoura according to the Nefesh HaChayim. And he has in, he says it once in Perek Vav of Shaar Dalet, then again in Perek Zayin, and it seems that there are at least two driving considerations in this tshuva which precedes Talmud Torah. One is because the presence of chet is a contradiction to yirat Hashem tehora, so a person has to be metaher himself if he's gonna provide the basis of yira to be kodemet l'chochma. And additionally the Nefesh HaChayim writes, if a person wants to be able to attain the dveykus which Talmud Torah potentially provides, that too can only happen if he's learning mitoch tahara. Hence the tshuva which for the Nefesh HaChayim precedes every seder, precedes every seder. In the Ramban, the itachen that when he speaks about being מתפלל ומתודה בלב נדכה ונפש שבורה שואל סליחה מבקש מחילה וכפרה,
it could be that he means the same thing the Nefesh HaChayim, but probably more likely what it means here in context is that he's being shoel, he's being mitvadeh, שואל סליחה מבקש מחילה וכפרה for mistakes, for mistakes which we wouldn't say it about the Ramban, but maybe the Ramban would have said it about himself that inevitably will creep in. As le-maaseh in his hakdama to Milchamos he says that. In the hakdama to Milchamos the Ramban writes she'eilat chefetz. שאלת חפץ רצון ממנו להדריכנו בדרך ישרה ובקשת המחילה מלפניו על שגיאות.
So probably that's what the Ramban is referring to here when he speaks about being misvadeh בלב נדכא נפש שבורה ושפלה מבקש מחילה וכפרה. Then the Ramban says bekida bevricha vehishtachavaya עד שיספקקו כל חוליות שבשדרה. So the lashon as noted here, right, the lashon עד שיספקקו כל חוליות שבשדרה is how Chazal define when you bow during shemonah esrei. So how much is a person supposed to bow, ad she, until the vertebrae protrude? That's the kol chulyos shebashidrah, that's the shiur of bowing during tefillah. Okay. So on a simple level, so Rabbeinu Bachaye is always malei vegadosh with phrases from Tanach, phrases from Chazal. That's the way the chachmei hamassora thought and spoke and wrote. But yitachen in this context that it's not just again rabbinic style, but yitachen that the Ramban has in mind a deeper kavana as well. The allusion to tefillah, again the lifting of phrase which belongs to hilchos tefillah in this context, yitachen is as follows. The Rav has the idea in one of the Yahrtzeit shiurim that despite the fact that tefillah is a mitzvah deoraisa derabbanan is a chiyuv. That notwithstanding the, I'm not sure what the right word is, the call it the philosophical difficulty, almost the presumptuousness associated with tefillah. Imagine if you have someone who's, I don't know, he's a stock boy in the company. Every day he goes to the CEO and you know he wants a private audience with the head of the company. So who are you to be given an audience? Who are you to be, and you're not raoy to say praise? Who are you to praise? It's a chutzpah to ask. Whatever thanks he give are inadequate. So obviously those, that attitude, that perspective is not supposed to deter tefillah. And yet it leaves its mark on tefillah, and the idea which the Rav has very beautifully is that tefillah, at least the bakasha of tefillah, is structured in such a way that it has a mattir. That לעולם יסדר אדם שבחו של מקום ואחר כך יתפלל is that even though again it's a mitzvah, it's a chiyuv to davven, and yet that mitzvah, that chiyuv notwithstanding, we don't lose sight of the fact that there's something very almost antithetical about the whole undertaking that a person is saying Ribbono Shel Olam, you know, I'd like you to do A, B, C, D and E for me. The CEO of the company, he gives you a job, so then you're going in and he gives you a job, you don't deserve the job, you don't have any of the necessary skills for the job, he gives you the job and you're going in, I'd like to be able to come to the executive dining room for lunch, and I'd like, and I'd also like a raise, and I'd also like an extra few weeks of vacation, it's a chutzpah. So the point is that that tension within tefillah is supposed to be there. The fact that it's a mitzvah and a chiyuv notwithstanding, doesn't mean that we're supposed to take this for granted, doesn't mean that we shouldn't appreciate that there's something paradoxical about the whole endeavor. There's something paradoxical, as necessary as it is, and that's why it is a mitzvah, that's why it is a chiyuv, as necessary as it is, as central, as indispensable as it is, there's something paradoxical about a person coming to Hakadosh Baruch Hu and having an audience and making a bakasha. And that's preserved. That's what the Rav, he has two main ideas in that context. He says that's the pshat of לעולם יסדר אדם שבחו של מקום ואחר כך יתפלל and that's also the pshat of in tefillas nedava that it requires chiddush davar. That there has to be a justification. You're going to daven more than three times? Three times is already a tremendous chiddush. What's the justification for davening more than three times? So the chiddush davar, the need to, there's a bakasha now that I didn't make before. That's my need, that's my justification. It needs a justification. And the point is that the mitzvah she-bo, the chiyuv she-bo notwithstanding, a person is still supposed to realize that there's something almost, as it were, presumptuous about it. That there's something paradoxical, something that's almost antithetical about it. The other mitzvah of which that's true, besides mitzvas tefillah, is mitzvas talmud torah. A person sits down, I sit down with a Gemara, and I'm going to tell you, 'This is what the Ribono Shel Olam means. This is what it means. This is what it says in the pasuk, and this is what it says in His Torah She-Ba'al Peh.' So on the one hand, there's nothing more arrogant or presumptuous than that. On the other hand, obviously, obviously, that reaction is not supposed to deter us from Talmud Torah. And yet, the point is that it's not that the katuv hashani is mevatel the katuv harishon. That awareness of the katuv harishon is supposed to continue to resonate, the mitzvah and the chiyuv notwithstanding. And that's why both here in the hakdama to the Perush Ha-Torah and in the hakdama to Milchamos, the Ramban explains why he's taki embarking on the path. So there is in these two mitzvos, and these two mitzvos are, again, alike in this respect, there's a tension within it. There's a tension within it. Tefillah is so central to our existence, and yet that centrality, the mitzvah she-bo, the chiyuv she-bo notwithstanding, we're not supposed to lose sight of on one level the presumptuousness of it. And the same is true in Talmud Torah. That tension is supposed to remain. And that's what the Ramban is basically expressing. The Ramban is saying, on the one hand, obviously, obviously I'm not supposed to be deterred, and yet on the other hand, it's באמה ביראה ברתת ובזיע במורא מתפלל ומתודה בלב נדכא ובנפש שבורה.
Now, the way this tension is sustained, it's not really resolved, there remains a tension, there remains the tension is there, and it's not that, it's not that the tension is dissipated, there is this tension, but they coexist. So the point that we're talking about is not to diminish the simcha which is supposed to characterize our talmud Torah. It's also equally not intended to stifle in any way appropriate creativity, but it is very, very important to understand that the simcha, that the appropriate creativity has to be in this delicate balance and tension with the awareness that there's an achrayus here, and an achrayus which is so great that the whole endeavor again on one level seems too presumptuous. So again, it's not supposed to deter us, it's not supposed to diminish simcha, it's not supposed to stifle appropriate creativity, but clearly part of what characterizes the coexistence of the פקודי ה' ישרים משמחי לב with the eima, yirah, res, ze'ah, mora, the sh'elas slicha, mevakesh mechila v'chapara for potential mistakes, is a sense of koved rosh in understanding and suggesting what a pasuk means, in putting forth a ma'aracha. Ultimately, it's dvorim hamesurim lalev, a person has to have, as with so many other areas in life, a person has to have self-awareness; how these two things coexist obviously depends upon the person and is the creativity appropriate, is the creativity not appropriate? But it can only potentially be appropriate if it's coexisting, if it's there alongside this mindset of tremendous achrayus and awareness of that on one level what I'm doing is just presumptuous beyond words. Now again, that kotzev never stands alone, that it's presumptuous beyond words, that kotzev never stands alone because ושננתם לבנך ולמדתם אותם. It never stands alone, but on the other hand, just like what the Rav explains gabbi tefilla, it's not erased either, it's not dismissed either, and they have to remain again in that delicate balance and tension.