How does the method and approach of Tikkun Middos which we've been outlining apply to the Middah of Chesed? When one's Cheshbon HaNefesh reveals that he is deficient in Gemilus Chasadim, what does the approach which we've been discussing, what does it entail? So let's begin with two stories and then we'll comment on the significance and importance of the stories. The first one is a very famous one, though sometimes not correctly interpreted. The second one I think is perhaps not quite as well-known. The famous story with which we're all familiar concerns the woman who comes to the Beis HaLevi before Pesach and tells him that she has a shaylah, she wants to know if she can use milk for the Arba Kosos. The Beis HaLevi stops and stops and he ponders and ultimately responds and tells her, "No, I don't think you can, but please wait a minute." And he goes over to his cash drawer where he keeps money and gives her a large sum of money and prevails upon her to accept it. When the lady leaves, so the Bnei Bayis of the Beis HaLevi ask him, "A lady comes with a foolish shaylah, she interrupts your learning with a foolish shaylah, and your response, not only do you treat the shaylah with such Kavod Rosh, but then your response is to give her this large sum of money. How are we to make sense of this?" So the Beis HaLevi said in terms of taking the shaylah seriously, he says, "If she'll think that I don't take the shaylah seriously, then sometime when she will have a serious shaylah, so she'll think that that's not important to ask either and she won't come and ask. So every shaylah always has to be validated, always has to be taken seriously." In terms of why I gave her the money, the Beis HaLevi said, "It could be that she was never taught that you can't use milk for Arba Kosos. However, she certainly does know about basar be-chalav. She certainly does know that after eating fleishigs, one doesn't drink milk. So if she was considering using milk for the Arba Kosos, obviously that means that not only is she too poor to be able to buy wine, but she's also too poor to be able to buy any meat or chicken for the Yom Tov seudah. And that's why I gave her the funds that I did." That's one story. Then there's another story about a Chassidishe Rebbe who's speaking at Shalosh Seudos. And the ambiance, it's late, there's no natural light, no artificial light, and in that atmosphere which is especially conducive, the Divrei Torah strike such a responsive chord with the Chassidim that everyone in the room feels as though they're soaring. And all of a sudden this crude farmer pushes his way to the front and, not even speaking Yiddish, speaking whatever the vernacular was, he interrupts and bangs on the table and says, "Rebbe, I have a big problem with my horse, the horse doesn't eat, doesn't eat. What should I do?" So the Rebbe says that what I recommend is that instead of just giving it oats, you give it a few lumps of sugar together with the oats. And then he resumes the Divrei Torah and the Divrei Torah have the same mesmerizing effect on the Chassidim which it had previously had until again the farmer interrupts and says, "Rebbe, I have another problem with my horse, and I must, I..." the same strength to pull the wagon the way it used to, it limps. So the Rebbe thinks for a minute and says, I think you should check the horseshoes, maybe they need to be replaced, and if you have those replaced, maybe that would solve the problem. Again, he resumes the Divrei Torah, and again it elicits the same reaction, he has the same effect on the Chassidim, and again, the farmer pushes through, he has another question. At this point, the Chassidim are already ready to rip him from limb to limb. And the Rebbe stops them and speaks to them in Yiddish, which the, which the farmer doesn't understand, and says, Don't you understand what's happening here? He says, he's not interested in the horse, that's not really what he's talking to me about. What he really wants is, he wants to establish some kind of bond with me. He's searching for some ruchnius, but he has no common language with me. He has no common language with us. He's a poor farmer, when he was four years old, three years old, instead of being sent to cheder, he was already out in the field helping his father. He doesn't even know alef beis. He can't, when you want to establish some kind of contact with me, when you want to establish some kind of relationship with me, you can come ask me about a pasuk Chumash, about a mishna, you can ask for an eitza in avodas Hashem. He doesn't know that, he doesn't speak that language, but he has, he has this impulse, he has this desire, he doesn't know how to translate it. The only thing he knows, his whole universe is the animals on the farm, so that's the only thing he can talk to me about. But that's not really what he's talking to me about. These are both very, very beautiful stories. The one with the Beis Halevi is is sometimes mistakenly understood to depict his genius or ingenuity, and while that is obviously uncontestable, that's not the point of the story. The point of that story is not his genius, but rather his sensitivity. The question is, what is it that allowed the Beis Halevi to recognize this woman's need when the other people present haven't? What is it that allowed this Rebbe to understand what the farmer was really attempting when no one else could appreciate it? So the answer is that we beteva, people beteva, are self-centered. Not necessarily self-centered in the crude sense that we generally associate with that term, but self-centered in the sense that we view things from our own perspective. We view the world, we view what happens from our own perspective. And thus, if someone nags us, so we view it and we experience it from our perspective, and from our perspective that person is a nudnik, and it only takes so long until we lose our patience with him and we rebuff him. What both of these stories illustrate is that the Beis Halevi didn't see this woman as intruding with a foolish question and interrupting his learning, which would have been perfectly natural, right? That's the way, again, I think a person naturally, with that natural self-centeredness that we have, would have experienced the question. Much the same way that the Rebbe of the second story also doesn't experience the question, again, from what would seem to be his natural perspective of being rudely and crudely interrupted with the most trivial and petty issues when he's talking about דברים העומדים ברומו של עולם. The common denominator of those two stories is that both of them had transcended this very natural and powerful self-centeredness which holds most of us in its grip. So the question is how does one achieve what they achieved? What is it that needs to be internalized for us to aspire and work towards that accomplishment? So the most basic emuna again which needs to be reinforced with the goal of internalizing. We spoke the other time, we've spoken about שויתי ה' לנגדי תמיד. We spoke about the definition of anava as recognizing one's total and absolute dependence upon the Ribono Shel Olam. It should engender within a person, in the language of the Rambam in Perek Beis of Yesodei HaTorah, a recognition of being a בריה קלה שפלה ואפלה. Now if a person really really internalizes that, again, a sense of being absolutely dependent and therefore beholden to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. That orientation is just totally antithetical to this kind of self-centeredness. Self-centeredness basically means again that one's life revolves around oneself. And again, that's the lens through which you see everything, that's the filter through which everything is processed. But if a person and within the realm of tikkun hamiddos, this certainly has to be amongst the most difficult, the most difficult and arduous tasks. Everything we've been talking about is a process. Nothing is a question of בן יום בן לילה of achieving overnight. But certainly this has got to be one of the most difficult, one of the most arduous tasks is that a person's whole orientation is one's identity is again not me, but one's identity is that one is again totally beholden to the Ribono Shel Olam. One is totally beholden to the Ribono Shel Olam. That's again, that sense of anava of dependence to upon and being beholden to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, that allows a person to rise above again the self-centeredness which is just so pervasive within us, so much a part of us. And that's again certainly what we have to strive for in terms of again not only seeking to practice chesed but seeking to become ba'alei chesed. And again the importance of that is twofold. Number one, as the Rambam says in Shmonah Perakim, when it comes to mishpatim, so a person is not supposed to simply practically comply with what Hakadosh Baruch Hu tells us, but one should be attuned to what the Torah tells us. It should be something which a person feels is natural and right. So clearly that requires again not only that we practice chesed but that we be ba'alei chesed. But even more importantly, or at least equally importantly, perhaps more importantly, as the two stories we mentioned illustrate, ultimately if a person is only committed to practicing chesed but not trying to become a ba'al chesed, so there will be countless occasions and opportunities which a person simply doesn't recognize. There are countless, countless occasions and opportunities which cry out to us but We're deaf to because again, if a person is only committed to practicing chesed, but hasn't developed himself as a baal chesed, so then one only hears a foolish question about dalet kosos, one only sees a rude intrusion and interruption during divrei Torah, and it's only a baal chesed who recognizes the crying need for chesed in these situations. Okay, but let's move on to a related topic also bein adam l'chavero in terms of kibud av v'em. Again, moving on in one's cheshbon hanefesh, so one finds himself deficient in kibud av v'em, which it's difficult to imagine any of us not coming to that conclusion, right? The Gemara in Kiddushin says that Abaye says that he was fortunate that he was born an orphan because he doesn't think he could have ever have satisfied the demands of the mitzvah of kibud av v'em. So what hashkafos should a person be focusing on, should a person be reviewing with the goal of internalizing in order to correct himself, to correct this midah of not being sufficiently vigilant about meticulous in kibud av v'em? So obviously again, every situation is different, have different dynamics in different situations and as we've mentioned previously numerous times, really everything we're talking about always has to be individualized. But that moda notwithstanding, certainly a person who is blessed to have a fundamentally sound relationship with his parents. Parents are basically good parents. So here the hashkafa which needs to be understood and internalized, Chazal say, if they weren't maamrei Chazal, I think we would say that it borders on the blasphemous to say it, but Chazal say in the Gemara Kiddushin that השוה הכתוב כבודם, כיבוד אב ואם לכבוד המקום and השוה הכתוב מוראם, מורא אב ואם למורא המקום, which is absolutely staggering, absolutely staggering. את ה' אלהיך תירא לרבות תלמידי חכמים, okay, at least you have that bond of Torah. So somehow or other, but even there, even there originally, originally who was it, Shimon HaTimoni, whoever it was thought that you couldn't put anything in the same category as the Ribbono Shel Olam. He was ready to abandon his whole midah of darshening es because what can you be marbeh alongside את ה' אלהיך תירא? Come Chazal and they say, no, not only can you be marbeh talmidei chachamim in את ה' אלהיך תירא, but you can say that השוה הכתוב מוראם למורא שמים. How can you equate anything to mora Shamayim? How can you equate anything to kvod Shamayim? So the answer is, and if you look, look very carefully, Rabbeinu Bachya says this in Chovos HaLevavos not commenting directly on these maamrei Chazal, but the basic yesod which we're discussing you can find in the Chovos HaLevavos. The love which parents have for children defies any rational understanding, any rational understanding. The mesirus nefesh which parents are ready to show the children in every, every realm is just something which which parents have for this kind of just totally altruistic love for children is really one which the Ribono shel Olam implants within them as a way as a channel of showering his Chesed and his love upon us. And a person should recognize again that the love and the just innumerable Chasadim which one's parents do for him is a reflection of the Ribono shel Olam's love and infinite Chasadim that he does for us. And that's what it means השוה הכתוב מוראם וכבודם למורא שמים וכבוד שמים because basically that's what Chazal mean that when you're mechabed your parents you're mechabed the Ribono shel Olam. When a person has mora of his parents he has mora for the Ribono shel Olam because a person recognizes that it's through parents that the Ribono shel Olam channels his love, his Chesed for us and recognizing again parents as representatives as it were as emissaries of the Ribono shel Olam to take care of us so then it's only natural that השוה הכתוב מוראם וכבודם למורא שמים וכבוד שמים. And that's clearly the pshat in the Gemara in Kiddushin when Rav Yosef כי שמע קול כרעי דאמיה when he would hear the footsteps of his mother he would say איקום מקמי שכינה דאתיא let me stand up for the Shechina which is approaching. So clearly that's one perspective again to be reviewed reinforced and be'ezras Hashem ultimately internalized in terms of Kibud Av V'eim. But again the less sound less healthy the parenting is and the child-parent relationship is the more difficult it's going to be to glimpse this and to rely on this hashkafa so then there is another very basic hashkafa I think if I'm not mistaken the Chayei Adam talks about this in הלכות כיבוד אב ואם and that is the Gemara in Eruvin whatever it means with Beis Shammai Beis Hillel נוח לו לאדם שלא נברא או לא נוח לו לאדם שלא נברא
whatever that means notwithstanding clearly כל מה דעביד רחמנא לטב עביד. Clearly it's axiomatic for us that to be alive to have been born to be alive to study Torah to be mekayeim mitzvos is the ultimate Chesed that could be bestowed upon us. There is no greater Chesed than the gift of life. And again that has to be axiomatic כל מה דעביד רחמנא לטב עביד וירא אלקים את כל אשר עשה והנה טוב מאוד.
So it's axiomatic that that's the ultimate Chesed. And again the agents the human agents for bestowing that Chesed are one's parents. That basic fact again even if that's not supplemented by anything else is sufficient cause for a sense of gratitude which should be manifest in terms of Kibud Av V'eim. And again the yesod which we know from what Chazal tell us in terms of Og is that when one does a Chesed so one doesn't scrutinize motives. When one does something wrong so then we scrutinize motives to try to perhaps downgrade the severity of the aveira but when one does a Chesed so one doesn't try to scrutinize in order to downgrade or downplay the the degree of gratitude of indebtedness that one feels. So that hashkafa as well, again, of the chesed of being alive is another critical hashkafa in terms of kibud av va'em. And finally, I just want to conclude. The Gemara in Makkos says at the end of Makkos where the Gemara quotes the different pesukim from nevi'im about how in different nevi'im we find that they identified certain yesodos for the Taryag Mitzvos that they can be grouped around, that they can be subsumed under or identified with certain yesodos. So ultimately the Gemara says that everything can be included in tzaddik be'emunaso yichye. That emuna really is the foundation of kol haTorah kullah. Now what that Gemara means, and it's worth reflecting upon what we've been discussing these past weeks in light of this, is that not only is emuna pivotal and indispensable obviously in bein adam laMakom, but what that Gemara tzaddik be'emunaso yichye is saying is that even a person's bein adam lachaveiro again ultimately hinges on his emuna. And these examples which we've been talking about in terms of what hashkafa is it which allows a person to become a genuine ba'al chesed, what hashkafos are they which allows a person again to see to fulfill מצוות כיבוד אב ואם I think are excellent examples of what that Gemara in Makkos is saying of tzaddik be'emunaso yichye. Both the Gra as well as the Ba'al HaTanya in terms of the famous Gemara in Shabbos where the ger comes to Shammai and then to Hillel, גיירני כל התורה כולה כשאני עומד על רגל אחת, so they both correlate that Gemara with the Mishnah in Pirkei Avos that על שלושה דברים העולם עומד, על התורה ועל העבודה ועל גמילות חסדים.
That what the ger was really asking was that I want it, I want it reduced even further. I don't want to know three pillars of the world, I want to know one pillar. So Shammai dechafa be'amas habinyan. It's על שלושה דברים העולם עומד. What Hillel told him according to the Gra, according to the Ba'al HaTanya, whether Rashi means this, lichora the simple reading of Rashi is that he understood the Gemara differently, what Hillel told him according to the Gra, according to the Ba'al HaTanya is ve'ahavta l'rei'acha kamocha, מה דסני לך לחברך לא תעביד, that that's kol haTorah kullah ve'idach zil gemor. So how could he say that gemilus chasadim was kol haTorah kullah? Shammai was right, how can you reduce it to that? But again, here too, what we've been discussing, that one's emuna is pivotal, that one's emuna internalized is the driving force ultimately in being a real ba'al chesed, in being mekayem kibud av va'em, allows one to understand what Hillel was telling this ger. And in many ways, in many ways, the bein adam lachaveiro is more of a test of just how profound one's emuna is than one's bein adam laMakom. To stand a Shemoneh Esrei is very difficult, a proper Shemoneh Esrei is exceedingly difficult. That one's emuna is so deep and one's anava is so genuine that one transcends that self-centeredness, that that creates the lens through which one views one's parents is even a higher test of emuna, and that's what Hillel was telling the ger.